“And with that comes a particular pride. A certain unashamedness. And you begin to see yourself as worthy — as a leader. With a leader’s mind, you’re no longer focused on your pains. It will take some time, but already it feels better.
Your people are finding you. Your people are giving you the respect you deserve. You are buzzing. You are yourself again. You’ve found the ‘cure.’”
Annnnnnd this is where you get caught in the same trap you initially warn us about, Alex — and I say this with respect and appreciation for the time and thought you put into this piece.
“It is not about you,” you write. Then, you make it about you. And now we’re back to square one, where it IS about “us,” only we’re now elevated to perceiving, or wanting to perceive ourselves, as “leaders.” And any leader knows, “uneasy lies the head that wears the crown.” Why?
Because it isn’t our job to “lead” people to fix themselves. It’s our jobs to give of ourselves without the need for accolades, or the mantle of “leader.”
The world has made multi-millionaires of men and women, proclaiming they are leaders, proffering the “quick-fix” to all our ills, and then cashing in on other’s despair. If all the self-help gurus were successful, there would be no need for any more. One size does NOT fit all, especially when the size is one that’s impossible for any human being to squeeze into.
Be your best self without the need for recognition or a “thank you.”
Be your best self because it is who you are, not something you “try out,” like a new diet or yoga class, to “cure” your ills.
Be your best self because you owe it to you, and no one else. The rest comes, effortlessly. As the character in the movie of the same name, Rob Roy, said: “Honor is a gift a man gives himself.”
Whomever you helped that day has free will to stay in their “poor me” or lift themselves out. Yes, to love life, you must give it away, but be aware of where you place your energy, and realize not everyone is you.
The reductive “fix-it-quick” mentality is misguided, in this writer’s opinion, as the need to constantly obsess over being victimized and the process of self-evaluation to the point where you’re “neurotic.” (Yes, an old term for a generalized state of unease, now outdated, and parsed into arbitrary ICD-10 or DSM categories) which, incidentally, encourages more self-obsession and angst, as your article states.
But you cannot ignore trauma, real trauma. People who have suffered from depression, anxiety, or PTSD, among other things, have one thing in common: almost across-the-board, they’ve experienced trauma of some kind. It will find you and inform all you do if you don’t acknowledge it, process it, and do the work to re-frame it.
And you’ve no way to control how it controls you if you ignore it and simply “shake it off” and go volunteer at a food bank. In fact, you’ve little control over your behavior, no matter how “aware” or “conscious” or “mindful” you think you are. We do more things unconsciously, every day, than consciously: in fact, we only use about 15% of our conscious minds to act and react. That means the other 85% is “driving the bus.” How to heal trauma? Very personal, and not the same for anyone. However, I’d posit that if neural-pathways can be changed in a blink of an eye (as with, say, a horrible event happening, causing severe psychological trauma), then it could be argued that the same “blink-of-an-eye” transformations possibly exist, but my guess is they aren’t legal yet, but they are working on it.
Attachment to outcome is a bigger source of anxiety/depression and unhappiness, I’d posit, than being self-absorbed. Because once again, if you have an agenda to accomplish something using externals, you will not find true peace, nor a sense of purpose. Live for others, live for yourself, and yes, live to create value — in your human experience. But ultimately, your “Why?” cannot be extrinsic.
The net result is usually determined by and within the intention. If your intention is to truly help those who cross your path, you will find a sense of peace and purpose, but only if you detach from whether or not you are recognized for the good work you do, or whether or not those to whom you serve or give find a way out of their quagmires.
“Invent yourself, then reinvent yourself….” Charles Bukowski wrote, “don’t swim in the same slough.” The “slough” within this article’s context, is self-obsession, obsession over how the world perceives you. And if you want to be “seen, respected, sought-out,” and placed on the pedestal of “leader,” then it is still “all about you.” And it isn’t.
I enjoyed the article and you did ask for feedback. :) Respectfully, you started out with the right idea, but it IS a process, and this article belies the fact that you’re still trying to get out of the slough yourself. So am I. We all are. That’s okay. Isn’t it? Can we say, “I am good enough?” yet still strive to improve, daily — with intention — our choices and actions?
“Good enough,” ah, such faint praise. Until you realize the opposite of “good enough” is “NOT good enough.” And isn’t that how many people feel, all the time, because they’ve handed the world the mirror to hold up for them and the image within is contorted to its arbitrary standards of “success” and “failure”?
Lose the ego, (not saying you, personally, or you are arrogant: when I say “ego” I mean the sense of “self” as an individual,) and begin seeing the world, and those with whom we share it, with compassion and empathy — and then find those things within, and for, yourself.
Ah, but this is tricky. It’s a tight-rope walk. People either give themselves WAY too much leeway (the “poor mes”) or, they blame themselves and live in shame. If someone can find that balance, it’s no accident they are referred to as “stable,” “self-aware,” or “well-rounded.”
If you are your best self, every day, and you ARE, you don’t need to “try.” You just are, and you are without ego, without attachment to outcomes, without the need for accolades. You ARE your best self. Then be, and act, your best with your whole self. You do that? Once again, Mr. Bukowski captures it:
“You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire.
You will ride life straight to perfect laughter.
It’s the only good fight there is.”
Thank you for this article and the time you took to write it. I believe your intention was to give us as a source of light, a new way to perceive ourselves and the world around us.
I only caution of the “quick-fix” through consciously thinking “of others,” while in the back of your mind, “THEN I’ll feel great! Then I’ll finally feel better and get the attention and respect I deserve.” Attachment to that outcome will send you right back to the beginning, right back to “I tried thinking of others, helping others, and I’m still a ‘nobody.’ I’m still a cipher, still depressed, anxious. Now what? Why aren’t I happy?”
Because it’s not about you. It’s about us. All of us.
I am not a leader. I don’t want to be. I’m simply like you and everyone else: my best self, seeking ways to best my best, then finding ways to alleviate suffering in the world by giving of my “best self” every chance I get.
Invent yourself, then reinvent yourself. Every day.
Again, thank you. I appreciate you, and your time.
Peace to you.
