Great article, as usual. How often do we find ourselves explaining things in the hopes the “back-hander” will suddenly develop a fuck about their question or non-compliment they level at you. “Fascinating! I was actually curious about where you got your coat, because I care about that when I talk to a total stranger for the first time…never.”
The term, “gaslighting,” however, is usually used in reference to a very specific form of emotional abuse, so I’m curious why you chose it for this particular article on…social assholes, I guess? Haha, that’s kind of a blanket statement, but it applies, I think. Not sure if there’s an official designation for this type of person. But gaslighting…it’s a pretty specific set of criteria.
Gaslighting is a sort of mind-fuck people do to destabilize someone’s subjective reality and experience. From Wikipedia:
There are two characteristics of gaslighting: The abuser wants full control of feelings, thoughts, or actions of the victim; and the abuser discreetly emotionally abuses the victim in hostile, abusive, or coercive ways.[16]
It is necessary to understand the warning signs of gaslighting in order to fully start the healing process. Signs of gaslighting include:
Withholding information from victim;
Countering information to fit the abuser’s perspective;
Discounting information;
Verbal abuse, usually in the form of jokes; *
Blocking and diverting the victim’s attention from outside sources;
Trivializing the victim’s worth; and,
Undermining victim by gradually weakening them and their thought process
*The guy poking at your friend’s meals fits here.
These criteria are a little bit different from jerks who don’t have the stones to insult you directly, so they use passive-aggressive, back-handed compliments to try and make you feel less-than or smaller. The bullshit insecure people pull to feel more secure by making you feel less secure than they do.(Clear as mud? I know.)
The trick, or way to differentiate, I think, is in the“intent.” The illustrations you present in the article clearly show the back-handers mean to insult you and cause you to feel badly about yourself.
I love how you deal with these people, though. It’s easier with strangers than your own family, though. Like, I have a daughter who knows I am ill and I’m unable to handle crowds, or even things like movies in theaters — basically any CNS stimulation makes my conditions worse. So last July she asked if I went to watch my husband play rugby on the 4th July in another city. In a huge crowd. In the sun, all day. I told her no, I didn’t go, the reasons — obvious and DUH — but her reply: “Why? Are you afraid of grass?”
It’s her not-so-subtle way of invalidating that I am ill. Since my illness doesn’t produce, you know, obvious signs, and there are no tests for it, and she doesn’t want me to be ill since it’s been inconvenient for her, personally (I’m not on-call 24/7 to babysit for her or be her _____ of the hour anymore) she refuses to “accept” I am ill, and likes to remind me every chance she gets that she thinks I’m faking it. For 5 years. Faking it. Because the payoff is…well… TBD.
So I looked at her and said, “Yes, that’s exactly why. I’m afraid of grass, allergic to fun, and find watching my husband play rugby repulsive. I like staying home in the dark alone on holidays. Nothing slips by you. You got me.”
Her response? *Eye roll.* Exit, stage right. Buh-bye.
Gaslighters are a different animal, though, and their intentions are to force you to question your own sanity. They have an agenda, usually, to have or maintain the bulk of the power in the relationship dynamic. They want their victims to question everything so that they, the abuser, can get away with bad behavior and not be held accountable for it.
And, the added CYA benefit: when everything goes south, and the victim is finally able to extract him or herself from the abuse, when they try and tell others, the abuser will usually have laid the groundwork for the victim’s lack of credibility. A profession rife with this form of abuse? Medicine.
Thanks for the great read and tips — I enjoyed this piece a lot. I’m not trying to be difficult by parsing on semantics, but “gaslighting” is so insidious, and back-handed compliments can absolutely be as damaging, and probably fall into the same-ish arena. But they are just not quite the same, from what I understand.
And maybe it matters, maybe not but I think terminology is important, especially when delineating types of abuse. Because victims of it are already struggling to express what happens to them, and having clear labels that match behaviors so they have the language to express their experiences is vital.
That said, your responses to these people are as awesome as they are effective. The worst is texts or chats. When they say the rudest thing, or flat-out insult you, and put some smiley emoji or “lol” after it. Talk about dissonance.
My son broke up with a girl, and she texted him all this awful stuff. He wrote back, in a very mature show of decency, and said, “I’m really sorry I hurt you, but I just don’t think things are working. I really hope you are okay, and I wish you the best.”
Her response? “Go fuck yourself lol.”
L-O-L?!
Yeah. So psychotic. And the weirdest times are when things like what you write about come SO out of left field from someone…and you don’t see it or understand it, you just FEEL it.
Then, later, it dawns on you, what they did. Then, you know…you have a one-sided conversation with them — out loud, even though you’re alone — for an hour, saying all the awesome comebacks you wish you’d said (like all the responses in your piece). Because that’ll show ’em. :/
And of course, you do it as you shower or scrub the kitchen counters vigorously with a toothbrush….
Or is that just me?
