Hey Joe,

First time reader/commentor, long-time sexual being! What a fun, weird (fictional I hope?) didactic tale about the evils of oral sex and suppressing a woman's right to be...an individual! All kidding aside.

It looks like you're here, giving women permission to hate fellatio (because we all do?), while simultaneously calling out (via stern, well-written article) the Neanderthals who still have the temerity to want oral pleasure from their partners.

Hm.

I'm not much of a hard-liner when it comes to hard and fast rules about sex and intimacy, but as a member of the gender about which you claim such sweeping knowledge regarding the bugaboo of fellatio and all the swallow-gag-spitting surrounding it, I'd like to maybe pop inside/into YOUR box with some thoughts, if I may. (I assume you're giving consent because, well, here we are, aren't we?)

You wrote that women say: “The look on his face makes it totally worth it,” then you summarize with "...but you’ll notice that they’re virtually always geared toward how they make the man feel, rather than an enjoyment of the act itself. Overwhelmingly, women are universal in the fact that they seem to hate it. And what’s to love? The answer is, not much."

Much of your article's premise rests on categorically presuming--and simultaneously underscoring--how helpless women are in the face of the mighty Cock and the Cultural pressure to be all that we can be in this generation of Victoria's-Secret-and-Spanx (talk about pressure) feminism.

You claim women have been "taught/ told/ indoctrinated/ pressured/ forced/ coerced into believing..." Man, do I feel silly. Is THAT what I missed in grad school? Or is that just what "they" say? Because I never went to that particular self-help workshop. Or grad school.

Maybe it's because I was too busy paying attention to who I was, who I wanted to be, and the kind of partner(s) I wanted to have.

While you're right, a lot of women don't like giving head, it might be due to the pathological relationship Americans have with sex--pathological and completely fractured. And I DON'T think we need more articles to "help" women feel "okay" about not loving oral sex, and frankly, I think it's time we stop shaming men for their sexuality.

I'm talking the very normal kind, not the violent, selfish, oppressive kind. And yes, kids, I was around when that behavior was not only okay, it determined whether or not you kept your job, so don't give me a fucking lecture about feminism. I am (and my generation of feminists are) the reason you get to file a complaint with HR if your boss accidentally talks to your cleavage when you wear the shirt with the plunging neckline to work.

If we look at the backlash of anti-anything, the thing we don't want comes back double time, double hard, double tough.

Our puritanical anti-sex and AIDS epidemic from the 80s, tossed with the advent of technology, then personal electronics, then online porn of every kind became that lovechild, among other societal ills.

So we wage war on intangibles, like terror, like drugs, like racism, sexism--brilliant sales strategies because every good salesperson knows: you aren't selling a product, you're selling a belief.

So let's "empower" women via Botox, anti-aging creams (because we become irrelevant after 35, and how fun every woman is complicit in that little twist), plastic surgery, Hitachi Magic Wands, impossible beauty/youth standards, and let's medicate their discomfort, demand they do it all version 3.0, and STILL pay us less — but with all the consumerism, shiny key-jangling and selfies, who has time for actual equality?

Oh, and let’s make sure we have a myriad of legal and socio-cultural avenues so when it comes down to “he said/she said" the “shes” always have it, no matter what, and even if, because all past bad behavior by men gives us the right to punish all men in the here and now, because when it comes to nuance, NOTHING is more black and white and clear-cut than sexual assault and harassment, right guys? Yeah.

Then, let’s simultaneously demonize male sexuality in all forms, and let's get specific, too, unless it falls under the purview of the sanctioned: M$M: Marriage & Money via the sex industry and marriage because who are we kidding, here. A man is what he earns in part, now, isn't he? Not that women are shallow or money hungry. It's not that--but it speaks to long-term prospects of committed partnership, doesn't it?

And hey, show me a woman drooling over the long-term prospects of dating a 35-year-old living in his mom's basement whose sole life's goal is to write ukulele songs on a while smoking weed, and I'll graciously recant.

And now we're going after the men who demand she swallows. Never met a man who demanded I swallow and trust me, I've gotten (get?) around. Have I felt pressured to swallow? Sure. That's not on him, or you, or all men, though it is? No. It isn't. See, with great equality comes equal responsibility, folks. I've fucked women, men, and both at once, and I gotta tell you, you need to be at least "this tall" to ride that ride and if you're not? Go over to the petting zoo on the other side of the park, aka time to grow up.

Shaming men about loving oral sex isn't going to make them stop loving it and women who have "aided" and abetted the hyper-focus on oral sex are usually on a porn channel geared toward that single, particular act because it has been fetishized. And why do we fetishize something? Usually because of shame.

Women who fake liking all things oral? Shame on them, not men's fault. Come on.

The "poor oppressed woman" routine coming from a man is just another, in this writer's opinion, way for men to use the "health benefits" argument because the underpinnings of that are "WE know what's best for you, there's a good girl," and frankly? If a woman can't figure this stuff out in the here and now, it's not yours to figure or mine, it's hers.

Here's what your article misses:

The pressure on men to crave the magical pussy slurry, in the real world, not on Pornhub, is even greater than the swallow-thing for women. I don't need a fictional story.

I've been there, with younger women, as they callously break a man's manhood down for her friends at coffee and then talk about the "deal breaker": If he doesn't go down south the next time? He's gone.

So what if he's unsure? What if it's too intimate based on his past experience and he needs time? Or...oh, dear God...what if he doesn't enjoy eating pussy? Impossible! Everyone loves pussy.

And if she's a squirter? You don't have a TBSP. of boogery fluid, you've got up to 150 mL (which is up to 1/2 cup!) And fun fact, much of that is urea and creatinine, which are components of urine, and female ejaculate contains roughly the same ingredients as male ejaculate--oh, but that's the slippery white stuff, not the stuff she shoots out via the Skene's glands (if you have an older dog, and you have to milk these? You get how, um, gag-inducing the smell etc. is.) Not that it's the same, but female ejaculate and male ejaculate...are, as in they are made of roughly the same stuff.

What's to love about fellatio/oral sex? There's a lot to love about oral sex, giving and receiving. But what this article attempts to address--but never does--is power.

So to egregiously oversimplify, it's the control. One is shoved down your throat, the other, eh, if you've got quick reflexes, easily dodged.

My partner wasn't wild about oral sex because the culture literally shamed him for even wanting pleasure from it. He's an enlightened guy, so of course he lets me set the tone. But believe it or not, in relationships where your main pleasure comes from pleasuring your partner, and vise versa, a woman who doesn't enjoy swallowing his cum will find herself craving the taste and feel of it for the exact reasons you claim she shouldn't: the look on his face.

And I gotta tell ya, it's priceless. And there is nothing wrong with giving, giving, radically giving yourself, and then having someone else give themselves, radically, to you. And no, sorry Sunshines, not everyone gets a trophy for participating. Some nights are better for me, others for him. Stop keeping score.

"That look..." Pay attention to the next holiday round of commercials selling diamond baubles. "That look..." oh yeah. Isn't the look on his beloved's face just priceless when he gives her that stunning, 3-month's-salary of a diamond tennis bracelet?

Tell me, when the TV guy buys the bracelet and puts it on his AmEx or MasterCard... do you think he enjoys the ACT of going into debt, or is it the secondary benefits, like swallowing a nasty shot of liquor? Do you think he just does it to show her how important she is--the fictional woman--and he loves throwing money down the drain as much as he loves the pleasure it gives his fictional TV wife/ girlfriend/ partner?

And when the woman--over candlelight dinner or out in the snowy, whimsical streets of Soho with her knitted beret and pink cheeks--opens her mouth in an "O" of pleasure and excitement when she opens the box and sees the trinket--the TOKEN, really--of his acceptance and adoration, I wonder if, deep down, she's thinking of swallowing his cock and load later that evening, because...have you seen the size of the ice on that thing!?

I wonder Joe, if receiving such a useless, self-indulgent gift gives her a weird, twisted sense of pride and ownership about the man she loves? Because... gosh, he must really love her to invest in such a pricey egotistical, superficial attempt at a foul, symbolic sham.

The point? What IS your point?

Let's Be Honest, Here...

Joe, I'm not sure what vaginal schlock you've been swallowed by, (sorry about that, that was off-sides, but the play on words was just too fun...)but I'm here to tell you as the original owner and operator of my very own vagina and mouth, women are fully capable of deciding if we want to eat ejaculate or watch our partner's faces as we do whether it's ambrosia or not and... maybe me thinks thou dost projecteth too much?

Because for most men, it's not about power and ego. For them, it's about love and acceptance, just like women. And the terror that HE won't fulfill, HE won't be good enough, and his body, sexual self and even his taste, smell, etc. won't be adequate. And a spoonful of sugar isn't needed to "down" whatever gives a man like that, a man who is earnest, who truly wants a loving sexual relationship in his life, a feeling of connection, safety, acceptance, and love. While it shouldn't be the main thing on the menu, it absolutely can be one of many amuse-bouche or desserts.

In short, Joe, sexual maturity is an acquired taste--but it's one I highly recommend.

Thank you, however, for breaking my long cherry-silence on Medium. That's the true sign of a great writer--emotive as well as provocative. Well done.

(Do you see how a little generosity, backed up by flat-out honesty, does wonders for the male--and human--ego?)

Happy swallowing, spitting, eating, and drinking.

Best,

J.A.