letter to god

dear god,

how are you? i bet no one ever asks about your day. i bet all they do is say ‘i want, i want, i need, i need,’ and they never really think about how things are going with you. but then you probably think it’s a kiss-ass thing to do. but i’m not trying to score points. i really want to know how you’re holding up after 2- billion-some-odd years, hanging out, watching us fuck up.

they call you omnibenevolent, omniscient, and omnipotent. humans can be ambidextrous. but we aren’t omnidextrous. like, i can’t move my ears. so anyway, you’ve got all of these ‘omni’ adjectives, and i wondered how you felt about that. can you move your ears, just as a part of what you can do, or do you use your god-power to move them?

just so we’re clear, i totally get the whole ‘theodicy’ thing. i mean, i keep a clean house, but you’ll still find dust and dirt if you look hard enough.

so we sort of both know why i’m here. maybe, if you haven’t already made up your mind, you could just hear me out. so there’s this rumor going around that you never give anyone more than they can bear. that’s assuming you ‘give’ at all. i mean, i don’t think you intended for me to have a crick in the brain like i do. i’m sure genetics and such played a part. but now that i have the crick, and it’s getting real bad, i’m wondering about when you think it’s a good idea to step in. i mean, i have total confidence in myself to handle it, but there are some times, as you and i both know, when i can’t. and god, those times scare me a whole lot.

in the garden jesus asked that if you’d let his cup pass from him, that would be cool, but if not, then your will be done. i get deal was part of a big plan-thing and i know my thing isn’t as big as all of that. so there would be no losing face or messing up anyone’s salvation if you let this cup pass from me, is all i’m saying.

i know i only talk to you when i’m in trouble. i should be better about saying ‘thank you’ for all of the things in my life that are good. and there are a lot of good things. but i run into this problem when i start thinking about those good things. because there are a lot of other people who are so much more deserving of good things than me and they have a really shitty life. not that good things are finite, or anything. you don’t have to take from me to give to someone else, i assume, i mean, right? i hope not because the good things i’ve got going are really the only things keeping me from losing my shit at this point. so, i don’t really want those taken away.

do you get sort of fed up and disgusted with how human and imperfect we are? i bet you don’t have those kinds of moments, do you? You’re probably omnicompassionate, too.

can i talk to mom?

i think i get what you’re trying to do here, if you don’t mind my saying. i’m not being all hubris-y here, just hear me out: so you maybe want everything to be confusing and not make a whole lot of sense, but you want us to believe in you anyway, despite all of the evidence to the contrary, right?

so you have a lot of kids to watch out for, and i know it’s totally in your power to do that, and it’s not like anyone is slipping through the cracks, because, you know, you’ve “got this.” but maybe, just a thought, you know, but maybe you might miss certain things because you are god and you’re not human, and when you’re god, you probably have this really different perspective, so when someone prays for you to save their kid from, like, cancer, you’re like, ‘look, the kid’s going to die, but he’ll be with me after, so you just need to remember that and learn from this’ and all of that. but i was hoping you could, for just a second, sort of de-god your perceptions for just a minute and come down to my level. just hang out in my reality for a sec.

i’m going to assume you are doing that. i hope that’s not presumptuous. it’s just a hope, really. so now you’re in my reality, and if you could take a look around, you’ll notice that i’m carrying this load, because of the thing i mentioned earlier, and it’s too heavy, now. can you see that? feel that? it’s way too heavy. and i can’t do it much longer. and i’m not doing that dumb manipulation thing, where it’s like ‘if you don’t do this, then i’m going to do that’ type of thing. it’s not that at all. i’m just telling you i’m out of options. the only option at this point is to give up.

so i’m totally willing to talk to you about this. i’m ready. you know, ‘omni’ to ‘limited flesh-sack.’ creator to createe. you and me. maybe a word of encouragement or advice. or a day where i feel like i’m maybe not so alone. or maybe you could inspire a scientist or doctor-researcher guy and you can, you know, help me through them. i wouldn’t ask normally, but it’s really hard to understand if you’re there when i’m in this kind of pain. i don’t mean to be a wuss about it. i really am trying my hardest.

anyway, i hope things are good in your neck of the woods. and if there’s, you know, anything you need me to do down here, i’m totally up for it. i would be happy to help out in any way i can. i just want to toss that out there. i know you don’t need me or anything. but i’m pretty sure delegation is a sort of have-to in your position. sorry if i’ve not been a great child of yours. i’m sorry about all the anger i throw your way. i’ll do better. and if you can’t, you know, let this/my cup pass and everything, i totally understand. but i’m kind of at the end of the old rope, here.

sorry this has gone on so long. if you do decide to step in and help me, then i would make it up to you. and also i just wanted to say i’m really, really scared. like, more scared than i’ve ever been. but you know that because of your

‘omni’ status. okay, so take care and “feel” you soon, i hope. i’ll just be here, waiting. waiting for you to save my life. it sounds all melodramatic and like a tall order, put that way, i know. but then i look around at everything you’ve created, and i think, that, for you, saving my life would be as easy as wiggling your ears, i mean, right? okay, so thanks for hearing me out. i guess i say ‘amen’ now, even though this isn’t a prayer, really.

it’s more like… i’m begging you. i’m begging you with everything i have in my whole being. like, i’m on my knees — actually, i’m on my belly and i’m digging my fingers into the earth, holding onto it, because everything else is slipping so fast, and my heart…it’s breaking. but you probably know all that, too. sorry. sometimes i forget you’re god.

— j.a. carter-winward