People are Super, but Supers are People, Too
FORWARD and DISCLAIMER
I understand there is a huge subculture in our society, and I really had no idea until the last few years, about this subculture. It’s fascinating to me. And exciting. However, I want to assure you, I am not a part of it, or you, (you meaning “comic nerds,”) although that doesn’t seem like a very complimentary term. Is it okay to call you that? I want to be sensitive. According to urbandicionary.com that’s what you’re called. Or a “comic geek.”
“Fan” seems too…generalized. It doesn’t quite capture your…commitment, your passion. I mean, like I can say, “I’m a fan of Margareta pizzas,” but I don’t spend my life studying, reading, making, learning how to season, eating, and collecting pizza. You know?
How about, for the sake of my own ignorance, and also an attempt to be sensitive, I call you “Graphic Aficionados” for the purposes of this article? So, “GA” for short. I think that has a certain, I don’t know, panache to it. Dignity. And you deserve it. It’s quite amazing, your passion for graphic literature and art. I hate to pull the old, “I have a friend” card, but I do, and he’s way into Superman. He’s a cinch to buy for at Christmas. He gets Superman merch, his wife gets WW merch, it’s all good. Well, so having a friend probably doesn’t give me any comi-cred, but whatever. I’m trying to reach out, here.
Anyway, I didn’t even know what a “Comi-Con” was until I met my friend a few years back, and he’s, like I said, a big-time GA. I didn’t read comics as a child, and I’m not much of a fan of comics or graphic novels now, even. (sorry)
HOWEVER, I am a HUGE fan of comic/superhero movies. (I just heard all of you do that group “ugh,” but bear with me.) See, I like both Marvel® and DC®, and I know, in your world, that makes me a total poser and probably a traitor. Like how gays and lesbians feel about bis, but we’re all supposed to get along and be a part of the same thing, but we’re totally not.
Anyway, I am writing this little caveat out of deference to all of you GA’s out there. I have as much knowledge about your passion in my whole body as you have in your pinkie toe. I admit it — I’m totally ignorant about superheroes. I know only the commonly well-known origin stories. I glean most of what I know from movies (I’m so sorry, and I can feel your derision from here), and other places, like mini-bios on fan sites.
With that in mind, please excuse any mistakes I might make in my references to these special folks. I know you can all get a little rabid, er, passionate about people getting shit right. I get it. But give me, like, a little leeway, okay? I’m a total newbie on this. But we’ve all gotta start somewhere, right? Okay, so here we go, my open letter to some folks who, *I* think, are pretty “super!”
An Open Letter to Our Superheroes
So okay, DC® for starters.
Superman, why do you have to be Clark Kent? First, I’m guessing you aren’t a very good journalist. Sorry, but I looked everywhere online for your CV, and it’s just not there, buddy. The thing is, we all know you (Superman) exist. And the glasses…dude. They canNOT be fooling anyone. So, everyone is sort of playing along at the Daily Planet, and when they say “’Bye Clark, have a great weekend!” while the elevator doors close, they all look at each other and laugh and roll their eyes. I don’t think they mean to be hurtful, Superman. It’s just…they know. Plus, Lois, she’s a talker. She makes the other women swear, up and down, they won’t tell anyone, but how can you expect her to keep the secret that she’s banging the coolest dude ever? Okay, and then when Lois isn’t around, they (the other women in the office, because we all know office chatter is a thing)totally blab about it with each other and I know you’ve heard it and you sort of block it out and deny it. But, I think it’s time we just sort of come clean, okay? They know.
Anyway, so why don’t you just be Superman and live in a castle? Save people and stuff. I know you get criticized for not being able to save everyone, but you can only be in one place at one time, so just blow that shit off. Look at God: he’s everywhere and all-powerful and no one gives him shit. He doesn’t even bother saving anyone who needs saving. So, you know Superman, maybe just chill, and embrace being super-awesome. In your castle.
Wonder Woman, feminists hate you because you’re beautiful. Men love you because you’re beautiful. Lots of women love you because they can dress like you for Comi-Con and look really good, so they aren’t jealous. A lot of men like you because you’re smart and funny, too. Yeah, I know you’re funny. You don’t get a twinkle in the eye the way you do if you aren’t funny — a dry humor, subtle, but funny. I get you, WW.
*I* think you were an awesome ambassador to the U.N. I think you have a very good case for litigation w/r/t your release from that position based on grounds that you’re being discriminated against for being too sexy. Usually, women who become litigious over not being sexy enough, win. So let’s hold their feminist feet to the ol’ fire, shall we? I would go into the whole meta-philosophy/socio-cultural/counter-feminist commentary of how “sexy” is actually a synonym for power within the constructs of the culture’s ideals w/r/t the marked imbalance of power within socially accepted symbology, gender roles, and the current socio-political power structures with the attendant functionalities therein, but, hey, let’s keep it light. And also, do you work out?
I’ll bet the golden lasso pretty much negates any hope of dating, huh? Doesn’t every woman on Earth think to herself, “Man, if I had one of those? Mmm hmm.” The thing is, it’s normal for people, even in intimate relationships, to have secrets from each other. It gives them a sense of autonomy, in a way. Not big secrets, like, “Oh, when I said I was going out for bread the other night, I was actually stopping a nuke from hitting Indiana,” secrets, but, you know. Secrets. Innocuous secrets that just give them a sense of Self, because face it, you’d be pretty intimidating, I bet. Not that you mean to be. Anyway, I’d hope you’d respect his, (or her — no judgement) privacy and not lasso him/her up if he/she was, like, working late. Trust: it’s a skill and a gift.
Batman, Bruce-man, dude, come on. The gadgets are great, but your mind is greater. You are the ultimate detective, and that takes some serious cognitive skill. I know it’s not sexy or flashy, but you’ve gotta embrace your inner geek. Also, I want to talk about the undercurrent that permeates the socio-economic class issues between Gotham and Metropolis. You fight evil villains who are usually batshit crazy (yeah, it’s a softball) and Superman, he battles these corporate billionaires who want to take over the world. And also aliens. Maybe you need to spend more time in soup kitchens and less time in the bat cave? Just tossing that out there. And you should be doing more about Arkham. That place is NOT okay. If I had your resources and money, I’d make that into a place of healing and safety. And maybe vet the administrators and staff a little better, as well. You know? And also, don’t let the Joker wear makeup in there. That’s just enabling.
Also, you’re my favorite superhero because you have kind of a dark, twisted, brooding and conflicted side that’s extremely hot and makes me want to, like, give you some Marvin Gaye healing, if you’re pickin’ up what I’m layin’ down. Rowr. I mean, if it came down to having sex with you or Superman, I’d totally pick you, because you’ve got sort of a ‘bad boy’ thing going on, and Superman is such a boy scout, I think he’d be boring in bed.
Also, Robin is weird. And why not ‘Batboy’? Is it because of him? ==>
Also, are you and Cat Woman doing it? No judgment, just wondering about any conflict of interest-type thing. Okay, lastly, Batman, so who is Batgirl in the grand scheme of superhero-ing, in your opinion? Do you provide her and Robin with their gadgets? Are they theirs, or like a consignment-type of thing? Are they basically superheroes riding on your cape? Be honest. Or is it because they possess some sort of “superhero chutzpah” that other people lack? Why hasn’t Alfred ever married? Is it a Superhero Don’t-Ask-Don’t-Tell sort of thing? Not judging.
I’d like to apologize to Cyborg. I don’t find you at all enthralling. It’s not a race thing, so don’t get all up in my face about that. You just remind me of the Terminator, so my brain is already bored when it looks at you. (Sorry.)
Starfire, you look like a stripper. I mean, it needs to be said. Woman to superhero-woman. I mean, you’re fighting some bad guy, and all he has to do is pull a Justin Timberlake/Janet Jackson, and you’re going to be all dealing with wardrobe malfunctions,
not bad guys, is my thought. You can’t seriously think they take you as a threat when your nips are all out and you’re whacking them in the gut. I mean, right? It might have a weird effect on them, and not an effect you intend, is all I’m saying.
Okay, so, Black Canary, you’re like a caricature of every angry step-child’s step-mother, incarnate. I don’t think anyone realizes that subtext, but I do. You should develop another skill-set/power besides screeching. I won’t go into the whole undercurrent of PMS and women and that whole stereotype. But, just to be clear, I don’t think you realize you were created out of some guy’s imagination because of his step-mother or maybe a really screechy, (hot) ex-girlfriend with bad PMS.
Supergirl, what’s with the half-shirt? Superman has his whole torso covered. Do you see where I’m going with this? Own your super, girl. You don’t need to compensate by showing belly-skin.
Then there’s Marvel®. Okay, so I think you need to sort of clarify whether or not you’re actually a god or not, Thor. Because that knowledge, right there, would pretty much create a massive, global, paradigm shift. So, Thor, it’s a conversation I think we need to have. I mean, theoretically, one could posit that you’re Jesus. Wearing red, etc. But you’re Nordic, and Jesus was…well, that kind of thing’s probably not a real problem, I’m guessing. As a god, you can sort of pick your “skin suit,” is what I’m thinking.
Jessica Jones, I think you need to probably talk to someone in a quiet, cerulean blue-painted office about stuff, and maybe hold a stuffed toy tightly to your chest. You’ve had some serious effed-up shit happen to you, is the thing. I want to validate that. Acknowledge that. (Avoid Arkham, though).
But hey, on the up-side, Luke seems really nice.
And also Jessica, I think you and Wonder Woman should try and be friends.
So, okay, I don’t know why the Hulk is a superhero. (I’m not talking directly to him/It because I’m not altogether clear if him/It understands verbal communication, let alone the written word.)
The X-Men are too convenient. You all just sort of do everything that’s needed in every given circumstance: “Oh good, we are in dire need of a tornado right NOW! Storm! Take it from here!” Oh, and the bad ones are more powerful than the good ones, I’d like to note. And how come all mutants have “powers?” Why can’t someone’s mutation be, like, an unholy ability to burp in long intervals, or possess the gift of weirdly fast-growing hair? Is the X-Men sort of an exclusive club for only “certain” mutants, and the mutants who can do things like pull out their eyeballs or spontaneously speak in doggerel verse in any given situation, just quietly “overlooked” when you send out invites to be an X-Man/Men? No judgement, just asking the hard questions.
Daredevil, I think you’re an awesome spokesperson for the “differently-abled,” and I think that’s great, but also, don’t you feel kind of bad that literally no other blind person could possibly do what you do? Do you get letters from other visually-impaired people cussing you out for setting a bar that they can’t really see, let alone achieve? I don’t want to be insensitive. I get that it’s a spin on “bad shit happening, turning it into a gift” thing, but it would have been better, maybe, if you tried to be, like, a visual artist or something. I don’t know. I’m conflicted about you, Daredevil. Also, the Punisher seems sort of not like a “super” but more like an anti-hero and I wonder if you guys have ever just, you know, sat down over some sushi and talked about working together in a sort of symbiotic harmony.
Spawn, you’re a badass. So are you, Blade. I credit you directly for the dearth of vampire threats that walk our dark streets.
Are you going to have, like, a sit-down with Edward the sparkly guy from Twilight, and be all, “Look, as long as you’re a good vampire, it’s cool, but the second you suck unsanctioned neck, your undead ass is mine,” kind of deal? And also, Blade, what’s your take on the sparkly skin? I mean, I have MY theories, but I’d be interested in your thoughts.
Captain America, you need to get laid. Seriously. Just troll the bars and have a one-and-done every few nights or so. I think your hyper-patriotism is a sign of sexual repression and maybe even a cover for a premature you-know-what pro-blay-mo. So, you know, just get out there, and also, Google the “squeeze” technique. Love to love you, baby.
Okay so what’s with all the shit that rains down on NYC, Marvel® dudes? Seriously. I find it hard to believe that ALL of the aliens, villains and mutant megalomaniacs just target NYC. I think it’s because you all sort of hang there and want to be all east coast, but let’s face it, you’re all west coast in every way. The flashy, rat-a-tat-tat humor, the colorful blah-blah, so you know, make it so everyone just lays off New York! GOD. L.A. totally deserves to be leveled. Take into consideration the architecture alone in NYC, the Met, the Empire State building, Grand Central Station, Lady Liberty…not to mention the culturally rich neighborhoods and boroughs. I mean, what does L.A. have? Grauman’s Chinese Theater, gourmet oxygen bars, and frozen yogurt?
It really feels like DC® is more of an east coast deal, and Marvel® is west coast. East coast has more of a dark, moody, complexly nuanced feel, and west coast is more like rock-star, sparkly superhero territory. I don’t know why I feel that way, so we’ll move on.
Iron Man, I simply cannot separate you out from Robert Downey Jr. I’m sorry. Iron Man, you ARE Robert Downey Jr.
Spider-man, I like the whole “no one knows who I really am” thing. I’m sure you are totally unknown, but also? I bet you drop hints like crazy at parties (when you’re lucky enough to get an invite) and people are too dense to get your little hints and winky-nudges, huh? You want them to know SO BAD, I bet. Especially hot girls. But you know you can’t let them know, because it’s against The Code
(I don’t know what The Code is, but I bet there is one and you all have to prick your finger with a pin and make a blood mark on it and then get it notarized by, like, Nick Fury, who seems like, among his other talents, he would also be a notary public for legal purposes and so forth.) Anyway, Spidey, it would be really good chick cred, I think.
Speaking of that, you’re a young guy. Those tights…I hope you’re not free-balling. Just saying. “It” can happen at any time and wouldn’t that be a PR nightmare. I can see the headline in the Daily Bugle now: “Spidey’s got Wood!” And then whatever girl you saved from falling off a building would sue the city because she would claim that the “wall crawler” (kind of a yucky nickname) inappropriately rubbed against her as you were swinging her down to safety. And I totally don’t think you would do it on purpose. Those things just…come up from time to time. It’s biology. And she was probably very pretty. Maybe some really small, tight Spanx®.
In conclusion (sort of) I’d like to say that we’re all really glad your powers don’t go to your heads and you don’t try to, you know, dominate the world and make us all your slaves. So thanks for that.
Just one more thing or two, if that’s cool. I want to talk to you guys about “good” and “evil.” I know all of you, deep down inside, are good people. Like, if you weren’t “super” in some way, you’d probably go your whole life never harming another person — ever. But the reason I like you (and your movies) is because even though you’re good, you are forced into these untenable situations where you have to, like, rub the bad guys out. And there’s literally no other way.
You can’t write them a polite email and ask for a mediation. You can’t ask them out to coffee to discuss options. You can’t “hug it out.” I get it — you have to take these guys DOWN in a very permanent way, either with, you know, death, or sticking them in some spooky-space hole from which there is no return (except for the sequel, there always is — and really, you should see that coming and so just do the first thing I said — “eth-day”), or put them in a place, like Amanda Waller does, and throw away the key.
But then also NOT let them out to do some weird mission because Amanda FUBAR-ed shit and now you need them to do stuff. Sorry, I digress. Anyway, if you don’t just TOTAL these bad guys, then there would be a whole world of hurt for everyone. And that’s what makes you all so interesting to me. You blur that line, but ultimately it’s for “justice for all” and protecting everyone. You take the evil, and you eradicate that shit from the face of the earth. And we mere mortals? We can’t. We can’t do what you do. We have to deal with “evil” through things like the law, and the justice system and lawyers and other impotent stuff like that. Or deal with it inter-personally, which can be really tricky, especially if the villain is a really mean she-boss named Janet* who is bitchy to all of the women, but flirts with all the guys, and it’s just really fucked up, that situation.
And the thing is, we almost never win. That’s the part that’s so crazy. You guys, you always win. But the mortal good guys who try and do the right thing…we don’t. More often than not, the more heroic we are, the more likely we’ll lose. At least we lose the battles. Sometimes we win the war. Sometimes not. Like I called Janet out on her double-management style, you know? Then I totally got fired a week later for something that other people had done in the past, but it was her way of shutting me up, is what happened.
And also? I’ve looked and looked, and there is no law anywhere forbidding people to be and act like total assholes. So, you guys get to deal with these supervillains that kill, maim, destroy, etc., right? It’s totally obvious: you=GOOD, them=BAD. But what if you get hit with some terrifying alien called “Passive-Aggresso,” and her goal is to, like, mind-fuck everyone on Earth, but see, you can’t stop her because you can’t prove she’s actually doing anything wrong or evil? Even when you document and go to the big bosses and try to show a pattern and stuff. And when you try to talk to the Government dudes about why you need to stop her, they’re all like, “What? She’s great. Sent a nice fruit basket earlier.” But then you see how incredibly evil she is and how she’s making the whole planet feel horrible and they look at you and go, “You know, butt OUT, Iron Man, it isn’t her fault, it’s yours because she told me this and this and this about you,” and then pretty soon, all the superheroes are now the villains in the eyes of all the people you’re trying to protect and there’s nothing you can even DO about it. See what I’m saying?
I don’t know. You’re lucky things are so black and white in your world, is what I’m getting at.
Okay so I have just one suggestion, then I’ll skedaddle, if that’s okay. First, a Hotline. You know, a 1–800 for people who are in dire need. Like, if a really depressed person was just on the brink, you know? I bet a ride in the air with Superman or Iron Man would totally lift their spirits. Or if a single mom was just up too “here” with her two-year-old, you could totally help out with that. And I get that there are going to be people who call because they lost the directions on how to work their new microwave, so you’ll have to have a triage process for that, like 911 centers have.
Okay, well it was great talking to all you guys (and gals!) so peace out and take care. I hope you have a “Super” new year!
Wintery wishes,
J.A.
